Finding Inner Peace: A Spiritual Journey
Recounting crucial events from my life that made me into the person i am today.
This reflection comes from the depth of my soul, as it encapsulates my life and personal growth journey. Keep it kind and open-minded, as i’m about to discuss challenging times and relationships.
This past weekend, I ventured into a new spiritual experience – attending a Hispanic church service. Although my Spanish comprehension is elementary, and I haven't been inside a church establishment for more than two years, I found myself unexpectedly moved by the atmosphere, which, therefore, inspired me to write this deep introspective letter.
My spiritual journey has been a winding path. Raised as a Jehovah's Witness, I drifted away from those practices during my teenage years, as they never fully resonated with me. However, I've always maintained a strong sense of faith – a trust that everything will work out for the better, that things happen for a reason or present an opportunity, and in recent years, a belief that I am divinely protected and guided.
There were dark times, especially during puberty, when hormones were out of wack and I fell into the worst depression of my life. Unsurprisingly, so did my friends around me. Reflecting recently, that just shows how much of an impact hormones have on a girl’s mental health. Anyway, during those times, although dark, I somehow, almost overnight, got pulled out of it. I can’t recall if I outwardly prayed or mentally broke down and cried my heart out pleading to not feel this way anymore… but something, I believe a divine force, washed away the thunderstorm, lifted the clouds, and showed me that beautiful glow of light and hope you see emerging out of the clouds after the darkest of storms.
I did not heal overnight. But I did regain hope, and faith that I would be okay. The healing occurred gradually, shifting back and forth between times of light and dark, falling back and getting back up, all as lessons I needed to learn to become who I am today. I began watching YouTube videos at 13, my last year of middle school. I was still in a toxic environment, especially in school, with girls in my class hating me and being catty because of the male attention I received. I had a best friend and maybe another two, but it was a very lonely time of life. In that, I escaped into the YouTube and social media world, where I discovered like-minded people and began finding my voice and true being. I increasingly gained confidence and self-worth through these positive videos. I’m talking of beauty guru era of Bethany Mota, Alisha Marie, Mylifeaseva… I grew up in the island of Sardenga Italy, where everyone looked and acted the same with no sense of individuality. Being and looking different made me stand out in ways i did not acknowledge yet was good. I had lots of unwanted male attention, and females hating me just because. Feeling like I could relate to someone, and seeing other perspectives of life, is what saved me.
This follows into my second year of high school, where I gained self-awareness and personal growth, enough to know that i needed to get out of Sardegna if i wanted to fully heal and come home to myself. I needed space for myself to grow not in a toxic environment. So, without even finishing the semester, In spring 2017, I moved to Detroit where my father was living (my parents are divorced and my mother lives in Sardegna). This life changing decision is what allowed me the space to blossom and “find myself”.
I joined the local yoga studio, as something to do and a way to socialize since I was doing online school (and going back and forth to Sardegna still). This then opened my mind to the self-help world and began reading. my first book being “You’re a Badass” by Jen Sincero, then, “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. These two books and joining yoga majorly impacted who I am today, as they opened my eyes even more to the “spiritual” world and mental health. I believe the ways I stumbled upon these books and the local yoga studio, was again, divine intervention, as it was too much of a coincidence, and strong of an impact, to just be a causality. Either case I’m eternally grateful for this, as reading those types of books and practicing yoga are pretty much my personality trait now!
In these years, ever since my very first “spiritual awakening”, i grew, i evolved, through knowledge acquired through videos, books, and online…
By the time i turned 18, i was in a good place, and my faith was fully restored. I was a “spiritual being”. I had my first true relationship and love, and then another one. At the break of that second one however, another breakdown to breakthrough occurred.
One morning, after a 9 month long relationship, in which I’ve been gradually noticing deal breakers for moving forward, such as not having any spiritual beliefs and not wanting to get married within the next decade… I was awakened, literally and spiritually. While sobbing, so hard blood vessels under my eyes popped, we ended things. It was a heartbreaking experience because the love was so strong, yet we both knew it wasn’t going anywhere. I mention this because again, an overnight awakening just as the first one occurred. I knew i was not living the life aligned with my highest good and needed out.
From here, I came back to god that very weekend. I broke down whatever remaining barrier was in me during that month of healing, joined a non-denominational church, and fully emersed myself into the “Christian girl experience”.
Now the story could end here, I become a proper Christian girl, marry a good Christian boy from church… But that apparently was not my ultimate path. And i say this because, in an alternate reality, it could have been.
On my very first day at church, at an event, I met what I at the time thought was my soulmate sent from god. and it might have been in an alternate reality. He was “perfect on paper”. However, i soon realized that there was NO chemistry. None at all, to the point that he might as well have been my relative. As much as I tried to convince myself, I couldn’t help but get the ick when kissing. He was attractive, and checked all the boxes, except the one of my heart, and well, chemesty. So that unfortunately ended, and he, a week later met his now wife. So is to say everything happens for a reason. For me, that reason was, that during that time, I continued healing, so incredibly deeply that I gained for the first time, a lasting sense of inner peace, fulfillment, joy… I got to my 97%.
I don’t believe in 100% when it comes to healing, because there’s always something more to learn and experience. That brings me to my last relationship, the one that could have been. It was good, it was “perfect”, he met my family, i met his, we lived together and began building a life together, he was planning on proposing… Until, again, something cracked.
The thing in this relationship is that for the most part, only saw good days. As someone who goes through mood swings during my cycle, he never fully saw a breaking point. Frankly, I am glad it happened, because, when I needed him the most, he wasn’t there, and furthermore, made me feel guilty for even having emotions. He wanted perfection and “peace”, when ultimately, I am only a human with emotions, and a Woman with hormones lol. (This was not a fight or toxic behavior, this was me breaking down crying in bed out of overwhelm, and he left me there without any sort of support)
So this experience broke down my last wall. Broke down any last filter and people-pleasing habits, and any and all mindsets that held me back. Ultimately, it made me not give a fuck about people’s opinions once and for all, and made me realize fully that I need to be my own safe place, as people can come and go, but you will always have yourself. That can be both fucked up or empowering, however, at least it’s more in your control than being dependent on others for your emotional wellbeing.
I went off to Italy for the winter to simply BE in my element. Ironically, now that I live in the US, Sardegna is my recharging place, the same country escaped from as a teenager, yet, a very different energy and environment now that I’m a grown-up.
So that takes us to the present. I’m at a 99%. I know life will continue to bring its lessons and blessings, change and growth, so 99% Is as much as I could ever ask for. I’m so at peace and secure within myself that NOTHING has the power over me to shake me off my grounded essence in myself.
I am proud of myself and the person i am today, and younger me would be so happy with the inner peace I’ve finally reached, in which my mind is quiet and tranquil. Even in times of mood fluctuations, i know how to cope, work with the low energy, and dive into the inner death and re-birth that comes with the cycle.
“ You’ve grown into someone who would have protected you as a child. That is the most powerful move you’ve made.”
My life story and experiences are what inspired me to write and create content. I create and share information younger me would have benefitted from, in hope, that this might help someone out there gain some perspective and new knowledge.
Thank you so much for reading this very personal letter. My hope, is that this might spark something in you, rather that’s a feeling, inspiration, or introspection of your own journey. I am grateful for this space to sincerely share my thoughts with you, and this wonderful community in pursuit of well-being.
I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day and week,
Love and Light, Gabi 🤍✨